I'm losing strength. I'm getting closer to the edge. The depression is winning and I don't think I'll be able to make a miracle happen. My depression has gotten worse and worse as sophomore year has gone by. Started with actually finding out that this isn't even my sophomore year, I'm technically still a freshmen. Then I was sexually harassed on the bus & now I'm not eating like I should. My chest pains are growing and then my best friend abondoned me for her new boyfriend. No warning, just quit talking to me. I'm so sick of these tears. I'm surprised I haven't ran out of tears to cry. I can't take much more.... I've tried to help others and now I see that I can't help them until I can take care of myself, but the truth is, I don't think I deserve to be taken care of... I hate me. Maybe my best friend does too. I wouldn't blame her. Everyone else does. It's hard..... Living. But I guess I'll keep trying.
It's been a few weeks and my feeling of belonging has disappeared again. Even at church. The feeling of emptiness.... Maybe I need to give in and get help.... I hate this. Its getting harder to fake the smile. Everything is getting harder. Especially the resistance to cry. Why? I don't know.... Maybe I'm not allowed to be happy. Maybe the world just doesn't like happy people. From what I can tell, people who are happy will eventually be pushed into the black with me. That's how it starts... You're happy and then society pushes you into an abyss of sadness and anxiety. But what's wrong with being happy?
Random day of happiness. I've finally found a church that I belong to. The people are welcoming and warm. They're always happy and inviting. Seems like every time I show up, there's someone new to meet. The youth pastor is so nice and doesn't judge or outcast me because of how I dress. He actually said if I ever need someone to talk to or something to text him or his wife. I've never felt like I belong and now I finally do.
I don't know anymore guys.... I've been pushed down by something invisible. Maybe I'm giving up. It seems as if the world is so far away now... It seems as if My boyfriend doesn't care anymore, as if my friends don't care. The whole world I've known.... Has it been a lie? Does anyone actually care? Am I gullible enough to believe they do? Maybe it's just a game and the devil is the player. Maybe I'm just losing faith again. What if this is all just a dream and I have to find a way to wake up? No one really knows for sure. Whose to say that I'm awake? I feel pain awake or not. I've nightmares of things that have happened and what will. They all seem real enough to me. What if that's where I'm really awake and I'm asleep now... Maybe I should just end it.... Maybe I should.....
How much more can I take? The bullying. So what if I have a little more weight than them? So what if I don't believe in religion? Doesn't make me any less human than them. And Mom's making me see a psychiatrist tomorrow. Makes me feel as if there really is something wrong with me, as if I'm wrong for trying to face my own depression. I mean.... Why can't I? I've been left to deal with my own problems for years. Homework, bullies, being outcasted and hated... I have some friends but they don't really care. No body has ever cared. They all just push me to the corner to be by myself, in the worst place possible. Alone in my mind. The place where all the problems start. The theatre where only bad memories are played on repeat. All the times I've been called fat or ugly, all the times I've had my hopes crushed, every moment where the darkness has engulfed the tiniest shred of light, every second I've cried because depression has taken over.... Over and over and over they play.
What's happiness like? I wish I could remember.... All the happiness I knew has been sucked out of me, as if a tick jumped in for supper and came back for left overs. I know I used to smile all the time, no matter what. I remember being made fun of because I was always happy. Then it became nothing but misery. My smile became rare. And now they make fun of me for being alone and the way I dress and how I express myself and how I think and for having my own opinion. Why do they tell you to be yourself if they're going to criticize you for who you really are? I just can't make sense of it.
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